delaying, dilly-dallying and dawdling

A recent absence of my blog is not because of dilly-dallying. I just failed to log on and talk about my life or the things that surround me.

Much has happened, some good, some bad. I will try not to dwell on the bad things., but focus on the things that have changed me. I have always been the kind of person to take a step back, look at the situation from both sides, weigh out the pros and cons and make an evaluation with as much knowledge as possible. Sometimes it is very hard look past what people have done to you. But in the end I hope that I can see that things were meant to happen this way and it should teach me how to be different in future situations.

The one thing in my life that has changed significantly - family. I got the one call I have dreaded for years. April 28, 2009 - Pop was rushed to the hospital. When I arrived at the ER, I knew it was the end. I have blogged many times on myspace about his health and our relationship.

**This is a blog from march 2005 that I posted... I just thought it would be appropriate to include it here**

About a man who calls me 'worm'
My grandfather or Pop--I love this man with all my heart. His birthday was in January and well I didn't even know what to get him. I went through all our photo albums and found so many pictures of him and i. I wanted to make something special from the pictures. But all my ideas went down the drain nothing was working. I ended up buying him lottery tickets. He won alot more than what i paid for them too.

You may ask:1. Why does he call you worm?

2. Why did you write a blog about him starting from something that happened 2 months ago?

Answer to number 1: My grandfather has called me worm ever since i can remember. I was always his little worm. I was his first girl grandchild. Sometimes i think i am his favorite too. Although he HATES my tattoos. I never asked him why he calls me worm. I have always just been his worm; no questions asked.

Answer to number 2: I don't know why i started with that. It just popped into my head. I do have a reason for writing this. He is my only grandparent left. I actually never met my grandparents on my dads side. My gran died 4 years ago and well my pop has been doing well without her. They say when one passes the other goes down hill. Well hes been alright. A few heart problems, but hell hes been dealing with those since 1977. Last night i went over there to pick up some stuff my mom left for me there. My grandfather is talking to me and then he says come here...so i walk over there and he has his hands cupped like he has something in them. My pop is a big joker so i thought he was just messing with me. So i told him I'm not gonna grab for whats in his hands, just to give it over. Well he gives me this necklace outta the blue! For no reason. Its such a beautiful chain and it has a tiny guardian angel on it. "You still like angels right?""Yes pop, I love them". I never really thought about it, but he is my hero. He was in the army for years. Served in our wars. Experienced earth quakes. Had 8 Children. Drove a hook and ladder in the fire department. Had to watch one of his own children pass before him. Have a marriage that lasted decades. Still works even though he don't get paid. Was told he wouldn't live past the year 1982 and hes STILL here!!!

"His teeth are like the stars they come out at night" -Quoted by Aquilla da Hun - age 7.

My grandfather had his first open heart surgery in 1977 . The doctors told him he wouldn't live another few years. I am sure he outlived those doctors. Many surgeries, many hospital stays, hundreds of medications and 32 years later, that phone call. He had suffered a major heart attack. Only the slightest brain function - that was telling his body to breathe. He would never be the Pop we all remembered. He was being kept alive on a machine. The hardest couple days of my life followed. The family fighting, crying, threatening each other. All the while trying to figure out what to do. I knew what he didn't want...to be on a machine. The time came and most the family agreed to take him off. The others - they were just greedy. Trying to keep him alive, and for what? He would never look in your eyes. You would never hear his voice. I never lost hope that a 'miracle' could happen. I was scrutinized by my family because of my outlook on the situation. Frowned upon because I was a strong believer in following his wishes - not to be kept alive by machine. But I knew, he was not there anymore. Watching his body struggle for air. Never knowing if that was his last breath. Rubbing his cold feet because it was his favorite thing when he was stuck in a hospital bed. He stayed around for another two days and passed on May 3rd. We buried him 4 days before my birthday.

Putting together the celebration of life photo album, it made me realize how grateful I was to even have him in my life. He could have died before I was even born.

I still have not been to the house where he lived. (sorry Aunt Donna) I still sometimes think it never happened. It was all a dream. But it wasn't. Death brings out the worst in families. I am thankful not to be experiencing it first hand, since I am a grandchild and not one of his children. I am also thankful to think about this kind of situation in my future. I am an only child. I will not have to fight other people for the 'fortunes' my parents will leave me. But I will have to go that road alone. I will not have the comfort of a siblings shoulder to cry on. (Once again, pros and cons).

I would like to think that this would bring our family together. I fear, it is only pushing us further apart. I just hope that he is not looking down upon his family and seeing all the hate and fighting. I just think of all the fond memories I have had with my Pop. That is what everyone should think of. A material object like money or his favorite shirt or pillow, means nothing. If only those people could see more clearly at the things that mean the most. Family.